SHARING FUNNY JOKE!!!!

[Scottss8]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet


A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.


"Just worked on me," he replied.

classic...

[adriana]

good one !

[Funnynunny]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet


A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.


"Just worked on me," he replied.

[Thomas]

ELDERLY SEX

The husband leans over and asks his wife,



'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'


'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises

and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,

the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,

this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else.

You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?'


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

[Thomas]

Why Ethel Changed Motels
Last week Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone-books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone-book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Terry - a very handsome man, with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled butt. . . . . She figured, “What the heck, no-one will ever know! I’ll give him a call.”

“Good evening Ma’am, how may I help you?”

Oh my! He sounded sooooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in.

“Hi. I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait. I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone, and all I want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring toys. Rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I’m ready! Now, how does that sound?”

He said,
“That sounds absolutely fantastic. But you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

[Thomas]

Don't ask children a question during the sermon.

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued .

[Thomas]

Bob and Susan have been married for 10 years and they are struggling to make ends meet with all the bills .
So Susan tells Bob she has decided to go out doing tricks to make some extra income .
Bob upset at 1st finally decides its Susan's choice so he agrees to let her become a lady of the evening .
After spending all weekend at a motel working Susan comes home late Sunday nite and Bob says , Well how did it go ? how much money did you make .
Susan said she made $100.25 ..
Bob was upset and he said .. what son of a bi+ch only paid you .25 cents .
And Susan responded .. All of them .

[Thomas]

Why Grandfathers are different

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son 's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single azzhole, queer, piece of craap, horse's azz, socialist left wing Obamalover, blind basturd, dipshIIt, rag-head camel humper or son of a bittch anywhere we went!"

We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.

[Inulka]

Well, my grandpa was a truck driver...and when I was a kid I couldn't wait when he would pick me to make a ride At my 5 yo bday he presented me a big model of a truck.. Damn, when I went out with it all the boys so envied me It was the biggest truck model among my friends and it was belonging to me

[Funnynunny]

here is a funny video clip for all of you to watch...enjoy hugs nunny!

Watch on youtube.com

[Thomas]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-feed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma',
But I'm glad I came.

[Thomas]

I passed a pet cemetery today with a friend, and asked him .
How many animals in there are bastards ?
He said I have no ideal

I told him none They all had paws

[Thomas]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman Dave to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

Dave thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons.

I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

David the milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can just splash it on my eyes."

[Thomas]

Mojibar was trying to get a job in India.
The personal manager said:" Mojibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job"
Mojibar said : "I am ready"
The Manager said: "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green"
Mojibar thought for few minutes and said: "Mister Manager, I am ready."
The Manager said: "Go ahead"
Mojibar said: " The telephone goes Green, Green, Green and I Pink it up and say Yellow this is Mojibar"

[Thomas]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

.

[Inulka]

[Deleted User 17730]

Just Fred ...

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the
officer asks.


'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he
might just give the old biker a break and, write him out a warning
instead of a ticket.


The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it ... The officer thinks that he has a
nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did
you lose your last name?'


The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'


I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I
was Fred Johnson, MD.


After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree,
so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I
started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I
was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.


Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was
Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking
away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as
Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just
Fred.'


The officer walked away in tears, laughing...

[Thomas]

Freds a missing now

[Funnynunny]

22 ADULT TRUTHS ******

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times; and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of a Word document and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with "Miller Lite" than "Kay".

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18 How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Jeans? Jeans never get dirty; and you can wear them forever.

21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket; finding their cell phone; and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey...but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

22. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it took only 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.